Happy Christmas (Part Deux)

Oh my god how wrong could I have been. Can't get any worse? oh yes it can.....

OK so as it is known I have split with my partner right? OK so, worse bit is because he has put me out of work as a result, I'm broke! so I am stuck here. Now the reason for the break up was that he is a control freak and I JUST CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE!! So to make matters more complicated we ran the business together...equal (YEAH RIGHT) partners with 49% share holding each...he won't buy me out the company so I'm kind of captive...you following this so far?

Well we decided to shelve all hostilities till the new year and enjoy a Christmas and my daughter Hannah has come to stay (which is great because there is safety in numbers right? WRONG!) Now OK the relationship was over ages ago (June to be precise) but, this idiot really sealed the deal when he fronts up to my 20 year old daughter!!! On Christmas Day!!! So well you can't get much further over the 'line' than that so here I am on Boxing Day packing my bags and in the next few days I will be gone from here......

What kind of a guy fronts up to a 20 year old girl? One with a serious problem. So it's official Christmas SUCKS.... For obvious reasons I don't flaunt this on Facebook as he watches my profile so please, keep comments on here only..

Happy Christmas

You know I don't know why I am so happy at Christmas as I have so many problems at the moment. Your basic unemployed, no income, about to be homeless type of problems but, I have my health, I feel great and I have an amazing daughter and friends.....so Happy Christmas to you all....2010 can't be any worse now can it? xxx

It's all about me....

This is me....taken on the 6th of December. A little over two months after surgery.

How do I feel?........... you know I can not remember when I last felt this good. It's almost like being 21 again, which is pretty good as I am in fact 41.

I have found a smile that has been missing for some time.

I am no longer in pain.

I feel like I have not felt in years.

I feel happy.

I feel content.

I am unemployed but, I do not feel in despair....

I feel like I can take on the world and despite that fact that I have some major problems to deal with, I am not at all worried and still find it easy to smile.

I feel self confident.

I feel feminine.

I feel atractive.

I can think with clarity.

I have energy.

I have 'Get up and Go'

I can sleep through the whole night without waking. I never slept all night for 3 years prior to this.

I feel radient.

I have wonderful friends who have made so many wonderful comments to make me feel so great.

I have the support of my daughter.

I laugh and smile all the time.

In short it's the most amazing feeling in the world.....I feel reborn.

The person you see in the photograph is the person that I was born to be....

I feel alive!!

I am here honest...

Just a quick note.

I am here honest it's just I have some major shit going on over here and I am having to pay some serious attention to job hunting etc. So please stick with me while I get my act together.

I thank you for your patience.

Fe xx

I think I should start living by some of these...

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit card debts every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Sometimes, just agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time some time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come - this is particularly true at my age of 90!

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

What was I thinking?

OK, so you remember when you were a kid right? You remember how your parents used to go nuts at you because 'something' you had done was so stupid or dangerous that it worried them? Not that you managed to grasp the concept of what was the actual problem because, all you knew is it ruined your fun. You all with me on this?

Right well here are two of my absolute classics that stick firmly in my mind....

1) Water, water everywhere.

Back in the day when I lived in Newark (Nottinghamshire not New Jersey) the road we lived on would flood. More importantly though so did all the fields around us. You would get a good couple of feet of water as the River Trent would burst its banks. Well this was a great time for us kids because we could 'paddle' around in the middle of the usually busy road!! Great Fun.

Well on one of these floods my brother Howard and I decided that the paddling side was just a bit to boring and we thought we would step up the pace in the beach quality Rubber Dingy that we had. So away we went to garage and got it out and blew it up with a foot pump, grabbed the oars and set sail off up the road!

Oh what a lovely time we had paddling along enjoying the view and passing what ever piece of junk had been swept away by the flood...like buckets, bits of trees, you name it, we passed it. Round the Rugby Pitch we went boating between the goal posts at both ends. and then heading out across the Cow Field towards the local Cricket Pitch. When we arrived there we moored outside the Club House and ate whatever it was we had taken from the house for our trip. Re boarding our dingy we set sail for the crease because, we were trying to find the edges of it through the murky dirty water, that is when it happened. The next thing we knew we were face to face with a very red faced man in fishing waders....Dad! I tell you this now, he DID NOT look happy!! We were dragged back to dry land, where we were both promptly grounded for the next week.

Reason: Flood water is dangerous and contains god knows what bacteria, you don't know what the current is like and you cant find the edges of banks and ditches, not only that you could drown plain and simple!!!

2) Lets make a den.....

Now my Uncle used to have a yard round the back of our Grandma's house where he participated in all sorts of businesses...from House Removals and Clearances to Paper Baling for recycling. Eco Friendly huh? Now apart from the fact that we got to go out with Grandad to move people from one house to another. We also liked to play around the yard, which Uncle David (My mums brother) did not mind at all. Additionally, it was really interesting watching them press and bale the paper and stack it in the yard. The bales were then covered with canvass to stop them getting wet.

Now talking of getting wet, Howard (yes him again) and I discovered that we could play around under the bales and not get wet when it rained because of the canvas covers....awesome! So we made a den or two in the different stacks but, the flaw in the plan was the distinct lack of light which made it very dark in there...so we needed a source of light. Now at this point I think most people would go get a Torch or Flashlight...Not us we got.....CANDLES!

Oh yeah we dotted all these candles round in our little paper dens. We played all day and then went home, only after we had extinguished our candles. Think we were kind of missing the point somehow!

Well it was no surprise that one day Uncle David showed up at our house and told how he had found the candles etc...It is also no surprise that we got grounded...AGAIN!

Reason: Fire kills, end of story!

Needless to say as a parent myself I can see what the issue was with these incidents and I am grateful that my own daughter never did anything quite as stupid.

As they say 'Hindsight is a wonderful thing'

'Ship of Dreams'

Oh yes here it is my little pet project! Designed to keep me quiet whilst I'm recovering.

OK so this is a 1:350 scale model of the ill fated liner R.M.S Titanic. It measures two and a half feet in length. Well if you are going to build the Titanic an itsy bitsy model just will not do, you need the biggest one out there! Oh and of course the most accurate historically.

So this first picture shows the hull completely untouched and exactly as it comes out of the box. Now I have never made a modle before so I am roaming into completely unchartered territory here...bit of a mans world thing this really.

So my first job wat to trim any rough edges from the moulding process and of course to admire all the little Portholes which are two sizes..0.8mm and 1.2mm as shown below....

OK so it's not the best picture I know but, you can see how many of the little devils there are. Now every single one of these needs to be drilled out and I work on the theory that if you are going to do something then do it properly. You can paint the hull with the portholes not drilled but, i figure that it's just not going to look the same...

Bear in mind that I am planning to import from the United States the Photo Etch (Brass!) Railings and benches for this thing.

So moving swiftly on, a good two and a half hours later and a lot of plastic dust. I finish drilling out all the Portholes in the Hull. No I did'nt count them. What I can tell you is that if you look at the photo of the bow and at the top layer shall we say, before the cut out section...you can just make out the Portholes of which there are 15, now work your way back to the clearly visible 16 Portholes below the windows, ok so I am guessing I drilled a lot of Portholes yesterday!!!!!

So here is the result of all that drilling. That's the bow seen from Port Side. I have assempled the base that comes with the model but, at this time I am currently thinking that if this comes out the way I want it to, then I think a better quality base will be needed. I have also been told that once complete a Plexi Glass case is in order as the thing is a dust magnet!

Hmmmmmmm......

The finished Hull, trimmed and drilled and now ready to be masked of to spray paint.....

Sitting on the supplied base that I will use as a working environment till completion. Hopefully today I will start preparing the deck ready for glueing.

The original Titanic never completed it's voyage..hopefully mine will.

2009 AQHA UK Hunter Under Saddle Championships

Well Finally, here it is the 2009 AQHA UK Amateur Hunter under Saddle Championship that has been the focus of my entire life!! I can not even describe or put in to words just how much qualifying for the Championships meant to me and of course to TC.

Two and a half years ago this horse was in pieces, Emaciated, Chronically lame with a condition called Laminitis that had been caused by continued trauma to his front feet. Sad fact is that all it would have taken to protect his feet and legs was 5 minutes..yep that's it...5 minutes to put a set of protective boots on...is that really so hard to do? That lack of boots resulted in horrific cracks to both front feet which resulted in the Laminitis and TC having to have metal plates screwed to his feet to hold them together. Starving him as a punishment was just downright cruel.

I have poured time, money, energy, blood, sweat and tears into that horse. You know what? it's worth every second and every penny and every tear. The road to recovery has been a rocky and emotional one. However, I think that we have arrived at a better place. It's always difficult to capture the mannerisms of a horse.

When TC arrived he was a state mentally and physically. Check out the photos in this Facebook album on his own page!!! http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=64352&id=41550445778&l=91abd1afd6

The Photo's are in Chronological order and I have selected the 'best' ones although I use that term loosely!!

When I watch the video I don't see the placing, I don't see the fact that my idiot left leg was so useless (because of my health problems) I could not help him pick up the correct lead. A mistake that promptly ricocheted us to the bottom of the pile. That said we were not last we finished 5th (one was DQ'd). I don't even see the fact that he is still very novice.

What I do see is a horse that functions and is happy to do his work, a horse that is no longer crippled with pain but, is pain free and enjoying his life again. TC will never forget his treatment and on occasion has issues but, he does know that I will never treat him that way and that I always bring him food and water. He also knows that just for the hell of it I show up at his field and just spend time with him, that simple scratch and rub go along way to healing a troubled mind.

So enjoy with me 10 minutes of sheer pleasure and happiness as I sit up on top of my horse and, in my mind, the world and show that love does actually conquer all.

Bling, Bling, Bling!!!

It's here, It has arrived......

Just check out my latest piece of bling. This is the Buckle that I have for winning the Sean Dillon High Point this year.

The award was calculated over the four Fenland Shows that were held this year and presented to the Sean Dillon offspring that accumulated the most points. This of course was my own TC or Zero Turbo Charge!

Now I am just waiting to be able to get into some jeans so I can wear it....

Sometimes it all goes wrong....

OK so sometimes stuff is not as plain sailing as you thought it was going to be, and sometimes you just wonder why it's happening to you.

So here we are on the 22nd of October, some 25 days after my operation. I feel better, yes. Although I am now a couple of weeks behind in my recovery.

You see the op went smoothly as did the initial period in hospital (4 days) I came home on the Friday and all appeared to be OK until the Monday. That is when the pain started and other side effects, I just thought it was normal although the bleeding did prompt me to call the hospital ward to check. A few sleepless nights did not help either and the pain was increasing, eventually I ran out of painkillers and on Saturday it seemed to have subsided. To the point that a friend took me out for coffee and cake! Yummy! I then was picked up by them to go to tea at their house and had delicious home made Italian...I just love Italian food...I once made a Cannelloni from scratch!!

However, at 3am on Sunday morning I was in a mess, doubled over in pain and unable to sleep I felt terrible. I struggled on till morning but, to no avail, I could not walk, I was running a temperature and by 3pm I was unable to manage the pain. So I was rushed to the Hospital A & E.

They filled me full of Morphine and shuttled me over to a larger hospital where they had on call Gynae Doctors. I arrived there about 8.30pm and was put in a side room to await an examination. The morphine was wearing off...i was starting to hurt again. At 10.30 approx I was seen by a doctor who gave me a full exam and said I had an infection. I was admitted and finally settled on the ward by midnight.

Monday was a barrage of Canula's and tests. I was suffering from Low Blood Pressure and chronic Pain. They sent me for an Ultrasound Scan which showed an internal bleed and a collection of blood in my abdomen. The first threat of further surgery came...

My surgeon arrived on Tuesday and was very reluctant to put me back under the knife, he was reassuring and wonderful as he always is.

They pumped fluids in using an IV drip to try boost my blood pressure with bags of proteins. 48 hours later the blood pressure was normal. So on Wednesday they removed the canula. 6 hours later my blood pressure plummeted back down and they again contemplated further surgery, they set my status to 'Nil by Mouth' in case the theatre beckoned and again reinserted another canula in my left hand. More fluids......then my temperature shot up......running a fever my mother arrived to find me shaking under a sheet on the bed complaining of the cold.

Thursday morning and I felt much better but, oh so very tired....I slept most of the day and hardly got out of bed unless I needed the bathroom. Everywhere I went I took 'Dave' the Drip stand! Thursday night meant a brand new series of Scrubs! I owe JD, Turk and Elliot my sanity, they kept me smiling through the whole thing.

Friday they said I could go home but, they had found a second collection on my left side which is draining naturally...as long as I understood that this would bleed out at some point I was allowed home, I had to see the consultant on the Monday to check on me after the weekend. I did see him and I feel much better, nowhere near where I should be right now but, at least I feel better than I did.

So right now I look pretty awful and have some ground to cover recovery wise but, hopefully I should be OK once it all settles down...and I won't speak of this again. This is the first time that I have felt well enough and coherent enough to blog.

I did ask 'Why me?' and then realised that I was younger and fitter than all the others I have seen have this operation, so I was better equipped to deal with the problems and the pain...so I guess I would rather it be me than them...

The other side

Hey, I'm back. I'm tired and sleep a lot. Can't do very much either but at least I am here and at least everyday will be an improvement.

Right so I need to tell you guys all about the championship and I need to tell you other stuff too. So I'll try upload the video to you tube today and get posting again.

xx

OK so I squashed in another....

Just a quickie but, seeing as I am off to the Championships I was thinking back to the very first one I qualified for on Taz AKA Carryon My Nifty Guy. I was as nervous as hell and it shows in the video but anyway.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present the AQHA UK Open Western Pleasure Final 2004:



Oh and for good measure, here we are again earlier that season when he was ridden two handed...oh and I love this Suzi Boguss track...



Hey check me out with all this embedding!!! Good job I got done at my pre op early...right to the Championships......x

The Last Post...well for a little while...

Well this is me. I have a pre op assessment at the hospital tomorrow morning with various blood tests. Then it's bath the horse, pack the car and go.

The Championships start on Thursday and if I can I will try to squash a little blog in here and there (got my Blackberry with me)I will. I have two classes on Thursday and my two main runs for the Championships are on Saturday late on.

I get back early Sunday morning. That's right after I have polished off a full English Breakfast. Then I'm going to make sure I get a decent meal...Roast Beef i think before heading to the hospital for 8pm at night. You just know they are going to starve me after midnight :-)

I'm in for 5 days so I guess you can all enjoy the time off from my incessant ramblings...but the good news is...I'm going to be OK and what is more I am going to be myself again, I am confident of that now. Yes it's going to be a little rocky to start with while everything settles down but, I am really positive about the whole thing. You see that's how I normally am, Positive, you have to have a positive mental attitude or you won't succeed at all. I am going to win this battle, I have fought it for two years and I am going to come back stronger than a powered up Pac Man!!! I shall be a new WOMAN....well they keep telling me it's like being reborn! So bring it on!

So watch out world here I come.....and I can't wait to catch up with you all when I get back.

Adios Amigos xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqjqFtC16-k

Houston we have a problem - continued

Oh and I forgot to mention..

Yes I know 4,000,000 americans got married last year and no I did not know that 2% of them met on eHarmony, nor do I care that you are now in the UK....

I AIN'T DOING IT!!!! YA HEAR ME???

Houston we have a problem...

OK I know I am trying to keep my health etc off this but, I do actually have a problem and as there is no other way for me to vent this, it goes here. If you don't want too much information then check out now.

Truth is, I'm worried. Now I know I have been telling myself that this is no big issue and that I can deal with it but, you know there are a couple of bits I need to get off my chest, so to speak.

What if I do feel like I'm not a woman anymore? I mean if they take everything out then what is left? What is there to make me a woman? OK two lumpy bits on the front will help but, will men have an issue with this? Will they think that I am less of a woman? Will that make me unattractive to them? I mean I want to think that I'll be the same and that I will still have that certain 'sparkle' but, what if I don't? I am shy enough at the best of times and yes, I do lack confidence on occasion but, if the bit that makes me 'sparkle' goes then what happens then? So you're all going 'What Sparkle? what is she on about?' Well a male friend told me that I have a certain 'sparkle' about me, now obviously I don't understand this but, he says men do! So OK if men can detect this 'sparkle' what if it disappears? I don't want to wind up alone with just my Greyhound for company!

I like being with someone, you know all that 'sharing stuff' I like that part of it. You know the bit where you make decisions together, like buying a sofa! You know I always wanted to do that, pick out a sofa, find one we both like by testing them all etc. I have never done that, I bet its fun. Which gets down to my pet hate...arm chairs....not exactly inspiring for a relationship where one likes to snuggle up to ones partner whilst watching a film or reading a book are they? I have an arm chair ban! I don't mind a really big one like a recliner but not those pathetic things. Oh and sharing the chores and helping each other. Supporting each other in activities, you don't have to have the same hobby, in fact it's healthy not to but, you need to know that your partner is proud of what you do. OK so not everyone likes big stinky horses but, If I come home at the end of the day with a beaming smile because something went fab, I like to know that the person I tell is actually pleased with me. It works the other way too, I like to think of myself as dead supportive, I mean I don't care what the hobby/sport/pastime is I'll be right there giving all the necessary support required, in whatever form it takes.

I'm wandering off the topic...or am I? Is that whats really bothering me? I like a partner I can play with...hmmm...by 'play' I mean mess about with, like play jokes on each other and play fight etc. I'm a huge fan of sticking Ice Cubes down backs cause that ends in a play fight which usually ends up as something else! I love to laugh and smile and I do it a lot. I'm a physical person and a bit 'touchy feely', I show affection in public and I don't care who is watching, I like to hold hands...OK so I'm 41 but, I like it...I'm not going to stop because I'm 41. I'm young at heart and I love fun and games.

I'm worried about sex! What if it's different? I mean I am not going to know until I try it but, what if..... You see my biggest problem is trusting a partner, not the general day to day trust but, the whole sexual aspect. You see I'm ashamed of the way I look and once I get past that with someone I'm OK but, initially I am timid and shy I'm fine once that trust is there. I'm very loving and loyal, I guess it stems from that kitty cat lion background! I don't like sex cheapened, it's a very personal thing. I like kisses, I like them a lot, they make you feel loved.

I don't like being shouted at in fact I hate it, nor do I like being sworn at. If I ever do something wrong I much prefer it if someone talks to me about it and how to resolve it. Confrontation makes me feel intimidated and small. I don't like crying, I have done to much of it. Men should not be afraid to cry, they are and they should not be, it does not make them weak.

So I guess I just want to know if I will still be seen as a woman and if I'll still be the type of partner someone would want and love? I guess it remains to be seen.....You know I'm not sure where I went with this blog but I feel a little better now even if I can't answer my own questions.

The last Sunday

Well this is my last sunday. This time next week I'll be in! Gosh it's come round quick. Blood test Wednesday for cross matching purposes but, that's enough of that.

Right so I went shopping today as it was my last chance to grab some odds and ends. You know just a few essentials...OK OK I got Gladiator on Blu Ray!!!! Medicinal reasons I swear :-) I also bought a set of extreemly tiny drill bits for my Dremmel so I can start work on the hull once I am back. Hey I should start a Titanic model blog!

TC and I had a good workout and he went well, makes me hopeful for a good run in the Championships. Have two classes on Thursday first. I am going to treat them as a dry run to help settle my nerves. I seriously don't expect him to place this year as there are some seriously more experienced horses out there but, he has qualified and I never expected him to qualify at all, so that is an achievement in itself. If I can go out there and have a good run on him, I'll be happy.

I have the McTimoney chiropractor coming tomorrow to check him over and adjust accordingly. McTimoney stimulates muscle groups to correct defects as opposed to trying to alter the joint itself, if that makes sense? TC has a slightly rotated pelvis that we are working on from where he had to stand badly because of his injuries. The muscle tone is back but, we need to straighten the pelvis. He has excercises to do and it's working slowly but can take a while to sort.

My stuff is sorted for the Championships, I just need to clean my saddle etc. I'll do that tomorrow after work. Have to iron a couple of things to pack for me.

Now if I could just find a cure for my nerves.......

Movies...

Having just finished watching a nice cheesy movie...Legally Blonde...I was thinking about some of the great movies that I love. These are the ones that I drag out time and time again.

Gladiator, Now I love this the visuals are amazing and I love the score. Obviously it's set in my favorite time period - The Romans! What a wonderful bunch they were. Joaquin Phoenix is absolutely brilliant and Russell Crowe really does take the part and make it his own. You can guarantee that I will be adding the Blu ray version to my 2 disc special edition and extended cut!

Bladerunner, Wow, wow, wow I know own every single version of this film from the original with the dodgy monologue that Harrison Ford did not want to do, to the Final Cut. Another recent addition to my Blu ray collection it's absolutely stunning in HD and for it's 25 years does not look dated at all.

Man on Fire, Oh this is an amazing film, had me totally engrossed from the word go. Denzel Washington plays the part to a tee. In fact I will not tell you about it in case you have not seen it!! Deja Vu is another must for Denzel Fans along with Philadelphia.

Lord of War, Nicolas Cage is great in this and it really does show the stupidity of arms trading and how intertwined it is with politics.

Cleopatra, now I have the original Liz Taylor, Richard Burton film and I think it's just wonderful. Sorry but the sight of Richard Burton in that white leather breast plate is quite enough for me! Is only slightly surpassed now by the sight of Russell Crowe, oh it makes a girls heart race...

Trilogy's....Well that has to be taken by Star Wars (the original three), Indiana Jones and The Lord of the Rings. That said I really enjoyed the 'Bourne' series too.

Musicals, well Evita gets my vote I saw this live on stage this year and it was absolutely wonderful. Not really a musical but, The Glen Miller Story holds a special place in my heart.

Titanic, is a great film, I have a strange obsession with that ship....

The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, are two welcome new additions and have turned me into a big Dan Brown fan. Eagerly awaiting 'The Lost Symbol'.....

Casino Royal and Quantum of Solace are great everybody loves a Bond Film, I love them even more now they have Daniel Craig in them.. OK maybe I should stop at this point because I am going to wander into Actors and Actresses that I like, Maybe I shall do another blog on that.

Before I go though I feel I must venture into television slightly because I know its not a film but, it does have 5 films as off shoots....Babylon 5, it's amazing...Shadows, Narns, Minbari and my personal favourite....Vorlon's...

So I will leave you all with my favourite Kosh Quote:

When the avalanche has already started, it's to late for the pebbles to vote!

Calm in a storm

I don't know whats up with me today. I have been surronuded by people for pretty much most of the day but, feel somewhat lonely. I'm not down or low. So I don't know whats wrong. I feel ok. I think..... weird huh? Oh well I can thank Nickleback for getting me through with 'Far Away' damn I love that record.

So anyway, other than that I'm fine. This is my last full weekend to get some serious prep done before I leave for the Championships next week. Need to seriously work on the lope so it might involve a couple of intensive sessions. I have all my kit to get together over the weekend too. I guess it's going to be a pretty hectic week.

I have not even started work on the Titanic yet, well apart from preparing the hull for spraying. Once I get the Dremmel back I can drill the Portholes but that is not really going to happen now till after the operation.

One thing I have decided though, is that I am going to take a holiday next year. I have not had one in a couple of years and I really want to head back to the States. Was investigating flights earlier and they are not as dear as I thought. Gives me something to shoot for too...that said I have not been to Australia yet and I just know that my brother would love me to go over.

If that lottery win ever comes in then I am going to book that Titanic Memorial Cruise, now that would be something.

Mistakes......

Mistakes, OK so we all make them, possibly me more than most people I'll grant you.

So what is my biggest mistake?

Well I can tell you that I had the sheer stupidity to get a tattoo at the base of my back that I am less than proud of. So for the last few years I have been trying to work out what to cover it up with. Now obviously not wanting to make the same mistake twice I opted to wait until I found the perfect design.

Today I finally found it and with some slight modification I think it will do quite nicely. So here goes...The image above is just lovely and it symbolises what I had imagined in my mind.

Firstly, I wanted a design with three horses. I know I only have two but, my old Arab horse Thomas died nearly two years ago now on the 22nd of September and I wanted to keep his spirit alive. So the horse you see on the far right is him. Smaller than the other two and a little feisty. One thing I need to change here though is to move him a little closer to the others.

Secondly, the horse on the far left looks like my TC used to before I had to trim back his mane. Not only that it has movement in it and considering his injuries it's a miracle he can move at all. He is a tall proud horse and I think that he looks perfect in that pose.

Thirdly, that one in the middle is my Taz, perfect in every way and just slightly smaller than TC. Graceful and elegant.

Now for the other modification. I need to trim the sky so its more or less an outline around the horses. It will all be done in browns as it is above, so not harsh. I am debating if I leave the sun in or not....have loads of time to decide though.

Well at least it will give the nurses in the care home when I'm older something to look at!

Music Music, Music

I seem to have spent the day listening to various tracks over and over again. Right now I'm listening to the Rasmus belting one out. Before that it was Nickleback and Theory of a Deadman who I have only just heard of and how good are they? Definition of cheesed off - they are playing the UK and I'm stuck in a hospital!!! How annoying is that?

Well it's 10pm here and I know I should be tired but, I'm not, well I am but, I'm not if you know what I mean. Have been really good and stayed on the decaff coffee too. So it's not like I am completely wired......:-) Strangely enough I am down to one mug of full strength coffee a day....never thought that I would achieve that! Not with the intake I had going...

Right so now I think that I best go rip some Embrace albums to my itunes library, I love the track 'Ashes'. Saw them live at a private Vodafone Gig in the UK back in 2006. I was right on the front row and loved it. It's a really uplifting song that I have used to pick me up after I have inevitably had my heart stomped!!

Ok age check here, anyone heard of Lene Marlin, now she is cool, was about for a short while in the 90's but, I have her album and I love it... I wonder if I can embed a video in here to jog memories? .....Apparently not You Tube/EMI have disabled it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ohu231K-jHs

Best I can do sorry!!! 'Unforgivable Sinner' is a great track......it really is. Oh I love music I really do, all types of it. No matter how you feel you can always find a piece of music to match your mood....so, 'If music be the food of love, play on'

Onwards and upwards

Well works been busy today with the usual round of stupid questions from IT end users. I become more intolerant with every passing day ;-)

I saw the surgeon yesterday and now know exactly what they plan to do. Think I'm in for a bit of a rough ride for the next few months and well, I guess I just want to apologise up front for anything I might say or do, for that matter. As ever, I have started on a good bone supplement today as I am desperate to stay in good shape, physically and mentally. Last thing I want to do now is get struck by the 'Silent Killer' Osteoporosis.

It's hard to believe that the two months is nearly done. The 28th is looming in the not to distant future. Before that though I have one final blood test on the 23rd.

The Championships - oh this is going to be good, It's what I have been waiting for all year. Winning the Sean Dillon High Point Trophy with TC this year was amazing but, to be sitting waiting for the Championships is just the perfect end to the season. I'm going to go out there and give it my best shot. They will be the last rides I get on TC this year.

Oh but next year what plans I have.....once the pain is gone, I'll be free to roam....with my trusty Canon EOS 400D .....

Lazy Day

Ok so I had a bit of a lazy day today.

Just kicked back and relaxed really. Watched Angels and Demon's as it's just come out. I liked it but, I like the book even more. I have the new Dan Brown on Pre Order so I can't wait to get stuck into it.

My friend Sandi called in for coffee unexpectedly so that was great, she's the one who rescued TC. She's from Washington, Seattle originally and she keeps me going in Maple Syrup!!

Went out to see two good friends Sally and Row and between the three of us we wiped out a carton of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and set the world to rights. Ha Ha.

OK well I have Pre Op assessment early in the morning and am meeting with my surgeon so I best go bed I think.

Wedding...the sequel

Oh my god, that has to have been the single most depressing experience of my entire life. How stupid did I feel standing at a wedding on my own? There I am, really nice dress, heeled shoes the works...really made an effort, looked pretty good too, even if I do say so myself. But to stand in a room dressed like that on my own was just awful. So I came back early

I am so glad I don't have to do it again until May next year....in fact based on tonight's experience does anybody fancy being my date so I don't have to go through it again?

I just feel so low now....by the way...I'm sat here in the dress as I type! I'm trying to think of something positive to say but, I can't, I just feel wiped out...Sorry.

The Sphere and what it means to me....

It's been a funny old day today and I for one have tried to do a bit to keep the memory of those who lost their lives alive. I have worn my 'Tribute WTC 9/11' wristband all day.

I remember exactly where I was this day 8 years ago. It was a Tuesday and my day off, I'd been out riding in the morning and was back home by 2pm. For the first time in my life I put the TV on and started to flick through the channels. I watched the events unfold in horror. I know that I need not go into any more detail than that. I was with a friend that day, and that friend is no longer by my side which is a loss in itself.

In 2007 I went to America, my first trip there. Scheduled to visit New Jersey and Montana. Ironically the girl from Newark, Nottinghamshire flew to Newark, New Jersey!! On my 'to do' list was a trip to Manhattan. I wanted to go to Ground Zero.

I remember arriving there and staring at the vast empty space in front of me with a hollow feeling and sense of loss even though I had lost no one that I knew that day. I stood with my fingers gripping the chain link fence for a good while. I'm a sensitive soul and always felt affected by what I saw that Tuesday.

I had always wanted to visit the World Trade Center and the 'Sphere' which stood outside it. I felt cheated out of seeing something spectacular, witnessing this famous part of New York. I was gutted and I remember asking about the 'Sphere'. My friend Ed told me that it was in Battery Park!!! I made him take me there. Which he did, I must have seemed mad. He drove me to the park and there was an event taking place and the park was full of people. I ran through the park looking everywhere and then there it was....right in front of me....with dents and the odd hole and a base that had been ripped apart. I have photographs of it from every angle I could get but the one I have posted here is the one that I love the most.

The Sphere stands as a tribute to all who lost their lives, it also stands as a symbol of courage and of hope, of strength and of a nations pride. It's my memory, my rock and a dream come true. One day I'll visit it again......

To all, my heartfelt sympathy..

TC, The Wheelbarrow, Water and an H2go Bag!

OK I did not get to blog last night as I was at wedding number one of two this week. This did occur yesterday and well, I thought it was funny....

In the paddock where TC (horse) is I have a large bendy type bucket which I use for his water. I also have an H2go bag which essentially fits inside a standard gardeners single wheeled Barrow. Made of two thick rectangles of heavy duty polythene? there is a bung at one end on the top. You fill it with a hose pipe....you with me so far?

Having filled this up it contains about 15 gallons (UK) of water or a t least it would do if TC had not attacked it last week!! This left it with about 3 holes that water now leaks out of. I filled this up but, had pulled the holed end which is near the Bung so that the water would stay down the back half of the bag. That way I would not loose so much water on the way to the field. So I guess there was a good 13 gallons in the bag.

Off I trundled to the field ant to get to TC's water bucket I have to descend a small 45 degree slope under the bar of the fence..but, the wheelbarrow was slightly front heavy and inevitably as I descended the slope the barrow tipped forward and the bag slithered out upside down onto the floor. GREAT! Whilst this has been going on TC has arrived at the scene eager for a drink of this fresh water and is now starting to poke at the bag which has landed bung side down in the soil. Add to this the fact that it is leaking water so the dry ground is rapidly getting wet..

Now I am 5 ft 2.5 inches and weigh approx 8 and a half stone. I am now trying to wrestle this 3ft by 1 and a half ft square wet, wobbly slimy bag that weighs...well a lot more than I can lift. So I am now starting to get covered in leaking water and mud.

TC on the other hand has decided that the best way to aid the situation is to *help* the only way he can and is desperately trying to bite more holes in the bag. In between laughs, giggles and fending off a 500kg horse, I manage to get the water bucket on to it's side and wrestle the bag into it. I then tip the bucket the right way up and it is in it's correct location. TC now sensing that the end is near is again trying to help by shoving his head into the bucket along with my hands as I desperately try to find the bung to undo it and release the water. So I have both my arms wedged and am fumbling round for the bung and the TC's head is also jammed down one side *helping*...NOT!

Eventually and once I am covered in more wet soil, I find the bung and try to undo it. The weight of the bag landing on the floor has pushed it in an extra couple of clicks and the weight of the water makes undoing it hard. Meanwhile TC is still *helping* by shoving his head in the bucket down the sides of the bag.....about 5 mins later I manage to wrestle the bung free and release the water.....much to TC's great satisfaction.

Result - TC happy with water supply, me very dirty and in need of a wash and a 5 minute job that took twenty!!

London...weddings...

Wow it's been a long day today up at 5am and only got in at 8.15pm. Makes one a little tired. So I guess I won't stay on long this evening.

Got knocked about on the Tube this morning the commuters were unusually 'violent' this morning...I don't fit in in London because I smile too much...commuters just get there head down and go, and they are just rude....I don't like that, I have manners and was brought up to respect people. On the upside I met a new friend for lunch so that was nice, we have been chatting for a few weeks on the Internet, we were both in the city so 'caught up' made for a pleasant lunch.

So with work dispatched for the day I ventured back on the train. Which got me thinking...If there is one thing I hate more than dating, it's weddings when you are single...they are full of smug married couples! I have one to go to on Saturday night, dreading it....absolutely dreading it...I always feel so awkward ...I'm not good at going 'Stag' I must say. It will be good to see my cousins though as I have not seen them in ages.

Oh well I will report back on that one later.. Right bed time for me. See you all in the morning.

Work is sooooo boring....

OK so I really did not want to go back in the office this morning. Had a rough night and had not slept well. I had a bad dream about the op, maybe it's playing on my mind more than I thought? I am so desperately trying not to bore you all to death with my pre op woe's but, they do creep in every now and again...sorry!

The day has just dragged and even now it's only half past 9 at night!!

TC has cut his leg this morning and so I have spent some time administering first aid, he might need some antibiotics though, will check in the morning. His back leg resembles a tree trunk right now which is not good news with the Championships so close...eek...

I got an early start in the morning as I'm off to London to work for the day and won't get back till gone 8pm so when I'm starting at 5am that makes for a long day. Good news is that I am going to meet my friend Tracey in London for lunch, so a little fun to be had. Lucky for me that I have a nice 1st class seat reserved for the journey back.

R.M.S Titanic comes in on Wednesday, can't wait. Then it will be out with the drill as I have to drill all the Port Holes out....have you seen how many there are on the Titanic?

Anyway, nit of a boring post this one but, hey never mind...I need to sleep I think.

G'night all x

Bang goes the weekend...

How scary is this? Well I mean I was young once! Funny part is it was not even a fancy dress do. I was 19 at the time and I loved that purple wig. Oh yes that takes me back to a time when all I used to worry about was what to wear on a night out...I used to be able to run in those heels too. No point wearing heels if you can not get yourself out of trouble, well that's my motto anyway.

It's been a long day today and I have been out getting bits for the hospital. So I'm in a bit of pain right now. So I'll keep this short and take myself off to bed and get some rest.

Having just watched 'Bedtime Stories' I'm hoping my imagination will give me a pleasant nights sleep...I can but dream.

Good night all. x

Weekend.....

Well I got my weekend of to a great start by having a hour and fifteen mins out in the school riding TC (that's me and him looking alittle over exposed) but, after a good old workout I was pretty much wrecked. It's only a couple of weeks to the championships and although I don't expect him to place I would like to see him get a good run. It is really something that he has made the two as a Finalist because I never expected it at all. Well not this year anyway.....

Other than that I took a trip to the DIY store because I wanted some small tools for the impending RMS Titanic build. My Model should be here on Wednesday this coming week. I wonder how I will fare at modelling????

Anyhow, other than that I have not really done much else apart from help my friends teenage daughter learn that one part of respecting parents is all about communicating with them. You know the old analogy 'Ask a Teenager whilst they still know it all!'

So aside from the odd jobs I got done around the stable yard that's pretty much been my day...Now just blogging and watching Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl! Bit of Orlando Bloom...tasty...

10 things you don't know or may even not want to know....

OK so I got tagged by 'An Open Heart'. So here goes....

1) Qualified for the AQHA World Show in Oklahoma City in 2003. That's the fancy belt buckle to prove it.

2) I have walked the entire 73 miles of Hadrian's Wall in the UK for 'Childline' a children's charity in the UK. The Wall runs from Bowness on Solway to Wallsend in Newcastle.

3) I have taken part in 3 different archaeological digs in the UK. My favourite taking place for over a month in 1998 at Newark Castle in Nottinghamshire. Where I excavated a couple of skeletons!

4) I own 11 different sets of Monopoly! (Star Wars, Star Trek, Simpsons, Lord of the Rings, Millennium Edition, 60th Anniversary Edition, Electronic Version, Rodeopoly, Original Wooden Boxed Replica, Large Wooden Set and the Make your Own Version)

4) Have just spent, and am still spending, 2 years putting back together TC (Zero Turbo Charge) my American Quarter Horse Gelding. He had been so badly treated that he was emaciated, had trauma induced Laminitis and ended up with metal plates holding his feet together and he could barely walk. He has just beat the competition to win the 2009 Sean Dillon High Point Trophy! That means second fancy belt buckle is on the way from Montana Silversmiths.

5) Have chased cows on horseback in Montana! Spent an entire day on horseback looking for 10 head of cattle that was missing. We spotted them off the road on our drive to Z Bar T Cow Camp but. when returning on horseback they had gone. I said to look up in the trees but, Mona, who owns them said they would not have gone for cover so we did not look there. I flew home the following day and Mona found the cows right where I said they would be!!

6) Got driven round Times Square, New York standing up with my head out the sunroof of the car taking photographs!

7) Own a Greeley Hat Works, Colorado custom made Champagne coloured Pure Beaver Cowboy Hat. Was my 40th birthday present from my daughter.

8) One of my favourite songs is Desperado by The Eagles as it just reminds me of me! Except I'm female so if you just swap gender lyrics accordingly then, you will get the idea.

9) All time favourite band is Genesis. Particularly, the track Follow You, Follow Me from the 'Then there were three' album.

10) Fancy dress outfits worn to date include. Clint Eastwood from A Fist Full of Dollars, Indiana Jones from Raiders of The Lost Ark, Dennis the Menace Comic Book Character, A School Girl complete with Gym Skirt, A Cowgirl (not really fancy dress for me), Venus the Greek Godess complete with Blonde Wig. Although I was trying to be Roman at the time!

One last one for good measure....

11) Intend to pose semi naked next year for charity photograph dressed in Boots, Spurs, Leather Chaps, Cowboy Hat and NOTHING ELSE.....

Ha ha that's my list done.....

If you build it....

Well I am a little on the excited side.

I have been a real devil and treated myself to a model kit of R.M.S Titanic.
I have been itching to build it for years and it will probably take years to build but, it will be fun. I bought the Minicraft version as it's renowned for being the best one. So I will soon have a 2 and a half foot long replica! Good thing is there is a company in the States that does all the upgrade kits for it....so I want to add the better benches, windows and railings etc.


Lucky for me I have copies of Titanic: The Ship Magnificent both volumes so I have plenty of reference to go on to get the exterior right. Mind you I think that it will take ages just to get all the rigging correct. Biggest laugh here is the fact that I have not really made models before so I guess if I take my time on it, then it will all work out.

Now before I rumble off into a whole bunch of nonsense, I shall stop myself. I know I could get really excitable and over the top at this point. Anyway it is late and I guess I should away to my bed.

As one last parting shot right now I wish I was really really rich because I would go on this...check it out, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity..

http://www.titanicmemorialcruise.co.uk/

Amazing!!!

Blogalicious.....

Well I tried to call my friends in New Jersey tonight but, there is no answer on the Skype ;-( I so can not wait to go over again. I want to visit the Freedom Tower when it's complete. Maple Syrup, real Maple Syrup, not the weak supermarket one...I Love Maple Syrup and Pancakes! Short Stack as I could not get a whole stack in!

I did my shopping online and ordered a boat load of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream...I'm such a naughty girl. Not going to help my figure much is it? Well hell, you know what they say, 'a little bit of what you fancy does you good' I seem to have a food blog going here. I just seem to be going through a snacking phase at the moment, can't seem to stop grazing....Don't want to overdo it otherwise I'll put too much weight on.

I must admit that will be the hardest part after the op. Not being active as I normally am. I am always up and about riding horses, getting things done outside, walking the dog and generally getting out as much as I can. I love being active and as such I know when I am better it's just going to be so much better for me. I just can't wait for the energy levels to go up again. Maybe I should start a list of all the places I am going to go to next year.

I really want to go back to Hadrian's Wall, it's been so long...such a wonderfull place. Maybe I'll have a few days away there. Just explore all by myself......Can feel a trip to Portsmouth coming on too....

Here's to new adventures and a pain free life.......x

Work, Rest and Plane!

WORK.....Ok so I spent most of today on the phone to Reuters trying to sort out the flaming prices for the Mutual Funds - Offshore etc...now before you all leap in an bay for my blood...I am not an Investment Banker, I am mearly in IT and have spent the day playing around deleting Journals and swapping .dat files.....Yawn!!! However, I have fixed it so I can sleep easy in the knowledge that the overnight update will go through and probably brake the whole thing all over again!

REST.....On the upside, I just watched 'Defiance' which was a really good movie. Sad, moving and yet had a couple of lines in it that made me laugh. Another true story of the brave people that fought to save the Jews from the Nazi's. I have to confess that 'Schindlers List' is excellent although I have to be in the right frame of mind to watch it. Oh joy, 'Gladiator' is out on Blu ray next week. I am selective about what I buy on Blu ray, well I have most movies on DVD so I tend to go for the good stuff like 'Man on Fire', 'Bladerunner' and 'Lord of War'. I must admit that if you liked Man on Fire (I think it's amazing) then watch 'Deja Vu' Denzel Washington again but, another great one....

PLANE......Right I know you did not get one at the War Weekend (I seem to be stuck in a military zone at the moment) but here comes the picture of the Lancaster Bomber....you ready...

Meet the 'City of Lincoln' this is one of only two air worthy Lancaster's and is my favourite, I fill up every time I see it go overhead. The other one is located in Canada. We do have one other here but, the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) have not deemed it airworthy, that said it is fully functional and it's called 'Just Jane' (they have had the back wheels off the floor!)

Ok back to the City of Lincoln....it DID fly on the Dambusters raid and for the last couple of years has had it's livery changed to black because on the other side to the one above it's painted up with the decal of the 'Phantom of the Ruhr'. Wait for it.....

Is that not the best sight ever? Kind of guess not if you're not mental like me.....I actually love the drone of the engine, it has a very distinct sound....it's always enough to get me off the chair and outside to look at it.....Well anyway, The City of Lincoln' forms part of the Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight or BBMF which is local to me (about an hour away)

Here endeth today's lesson....

History......Oh what a wonderful subject.

Right ok, So as you all know I have been having a ball all weekend participating in a spot of living history...ok, well watching others do it anyway but, I did get my Canon EOS out, and no it was not on AUTO. However I am no great photographer (yet) I did manage these though....

'The Last' Spitfire - later Griffin Engined one but, still a Spitfire none the less. Had real fun trying to keep up with him....

Ok so next up is a lovely Royal Navy Truck which I just loved because, well my daughter is in the Navy, oh and you always see Army and Air force vehicle but, never a Navy one.

Ok so I have saved the best till last, this is an American Airmans Flight Jacket and the gentleman that has it, has quite a few and believe me they are all quite wonderfull. Not only that he has all the details of the Airman they belonged to and photographs too...put a real lump in my throat I can tell you.

I just love history it's such a wonderful thing and as you are all probably gathering by now I am a real softie too! Archaeology, History...Oh I should really indulge you all in my other great passion....The Mary Rose...King Henry the VIII's flagship. Raised from the Solent seabed back in 1983.

You know I really wish I was a bit better at this whole blogging thing but I guess I will get there eventually.....No doubt when I go off at the end of the month I'll have time to play around a bit....I am hoping to play with my camera a bit more because there is not a lot you can do when you are banned from riding, driving and lifting anything heavier than a mug of Coffee! Oh well only 27 days to go...

Daniel Craig.....

I'll be right with you after I have watched Quantum of Solace...I just want to have a little look at Oh Oh 7.....I'm a naughty girl! Please forgive me it's the nearest I get these days....

Glen Miller and all that Jazz (well Swing)

I have just had probably one of the best nights out ever!

Spent the day at a War Weekend looking at all the military vehicles and clothing. Then tonight they were having a dance and well I did not want to miss that as they had a leading swing band there. They were amazing!

It is so wonderful to sit and listen to the sounds of Glen Miller (which I love incidentally) Not only that I got some Frank Sinatra thrown in. Oh I just loved it! My feet did not stop tapping all night (not up to dancing at the moment otherwise I would not have sat down). My friend Gerry and I just laughed and listened all night we had loads of fun, her husband thinks we are a bit mental! Oh I can't help it if I still feel 21.

Oh and I bought a reprint of a book first published in 1935 called 'Titanic and other Ships' written by RMS Titanic's first officer Lightoller, a limited edition of a 1000 copies worldwide. I have number 279. It's Lightollers' own account and I can't wait to read it and so I have added it to my 'Recovery' pile of books.

Anyway, I have had a great day and here I am in bed at half past midnight on a laptop because I just had to write it down....there is another day of it tomorrow and I am tempted to go as they are having a fly over by the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight and I just love that Lancaster Bomber...

You know I am just trying to have as much fun as possible because once the 27th of September arrives I am going to be a bit limited for a month or two. Best enjoy what bits I can now.

Amazing day...

Homecoming........

You know I was just thinking about all this family stuff, my family and families everywhere.

I remember being in the States a year back and going to the Homecoming Game in Freehold, NJ. Now apart from the fact that it is always a good setting for a slasher movie (I can't watch them!!) I remember the thing that struck me the most was the real family and community feeling that I got from attending that game. Everyone was there mums, dads, brothers, sisters etc and obviously I had a slightly vested interest as one of my friends daughters was in the Marching Band and they were providing the half time entertainment. But the whole homecoming experience for me was quite wonderful. I remember wishing that schools in the UK would really benefit from this type of support, I know they are trying to promote community schools in this country but, I don't ever think we will manage it the way our american friends have.

I bought a Freehold Township Sweat Shirt that is way to big for me because it was all the ladies had left but I don't care, I wanted to show my support. I wear that shirt and it drowns me but, there are loads of memories that are attached to it and I'll take it back with me next time I go.

So here's to community spirit, homecoming (may I get to go to another one some day) and families.

To my daughter, you have made me so proud with all you have achieved. May the road rise up to meet you. x

It's nearly the weekend....

So the weekend is nearly upon me and I am going to kick mine off early by having Coffee and Cake with my one of my best friends. Oh lots of 'Girlie' chat and fattening food (panic not bloggers, I will work it off later on the horse!)

No I'm not doing to bad at the moment and with a month to the day till the op, I am sure I'll be back so much brighter, better, healthier and Happier. I tell you something else, I'll be out to make up for lost time too in all aspects of my life.

I am going to get out more, show the horses more and maybe somewhere along the way meet someone nice to enjoy it all with......one can hope.

Oh well I'll be back in a bit, I am just trying to sort my new Blackberry out........

In-ex-plicable!!

Now will someone please tell me why it is that just when you think you are going to be able to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex partner, that they just suddenly decide to unleash their own unique brand of hell all over you? Taking it upon themselves to demolish what is an already battered and bruised confidence level. Why is it that they feel they are justified to launch a verbal tirade of 'nasty' swiping comments that only serve to upset and intimidate.

They push you to explain how you feel and when you do, they don't like it at all. I mean for crying out loud if you don't want the answers, then don't flaming ask!!!!

Sorry rant over....

Monday Morning Syndrome

Well it was back to the grindstone this morning, ya boo sucks!!! ha ha. Well having dispatched some accounts, emails and general support issues the morning simply flew by...Dragged a bit this afternoon though.

Just finished my The Mentalist catch up session. Wonder what I can watch next? Not a lot on the TV at the moment which is no bad thing as it means I spend more time outside. Did call the Archery shop again today to chat about one of their bows, they were great as usual but, they think I need to hold out as I could get a good deal at the end of September. Can't wait to start Shooting again.

This is going to sound mad but I really needed a hug today...not sure why, but just felt that way. I guess I am still looking for someone to tell me that it's all going to be OK and that the decisions I have made are the right ones. It's always difficult when you are on your own, you don't have that comfort of a partner to talk things through with. I must admit it's the bit I miss the most.

I had a really good friend that I could talk to and although he was male I could talk to him about anything, anything at all. But he has moved away now and you just tend to feel a void.

I look around at my friends but, I can't talk to them, I can about little things but not everything. It's funny how life can be like that. When you do find someone that you can talk to about everything it's such an amazing release. Nothing beats that feeling in the world. That's probably why I get hurt so much. I'm shy really and I do kind of make myself vulnerable. I am a sensitive soul and take things to heart....

Only 5 weeks to go till the operation now...still worry about waking up in the hospital and no one being there....but, on the up side once it's all over and healed, I 'll be back to my old self and I just can not wait. Someone told me that it is like being reborn. Well here's hoping eh?

Goodnight all.x

Oh Darn The Weekends Over!!!

Oh no, well there goes another weekend. It was fun though. Got out there this morning on TC and got some great work done there. Weather held so that was good, sunny with a nice breeze.

You know that they always say 'Dance like there is no one looking'? Well I had my iPod on this afternoon and bopped around the paddock to David Guetta and Kelly Rowland...probably not a good idea considering the pain but, hell at least it made me feel better even if TC thought I was a bit weird!! ha ha

Oh well I may be 41 but I love a bit of dance music to be honest, gets you bouncing and cheers you up. I love having fun.....Fun makes the world go round and I always believe that if you are not having fun doing what you are doing, then stop doing it and find something that is fun.

Really considering going to the Archery Shop next weekend so I can check out a new Compound Bow. It will be a good release for me. Something else to do aside from the horses.

Perfect Day

Wow what a fun day I have had. Those girls still run rings round me but, they are oh soooo much fun. It was like being in a tag team most of the time but, the laughs and the smiles make it worth while. Inbetween the Italian Food, the Coffee and smoothies we had some fun breaks too. On the whole a perfect day.

I was going to ride but, by the time I got home I was needing a break. Will ride in the morning. I really need to focus because of those Championships.

It's sunday tomorrow so with a bit of luck the weather will hold and I canread outside in the sunshine. I think my stockpile of books for my enforced recuperation is doing well, pre ordered the new Dan Brown. Can't wait to get my hands on that.....I did not get to see Angels & Demons at the cinema but, pre ordered it on Blu Ray as a treat for having missed out.

Shopping

Right well I'm off out for the day with Hannah and Katherine. Should be fun plus I can finish my hospital shopping (boring).

I'm hoping the weather will stay sunny. I want to ride later, got those championships coming up and need to prepare. TC still has a long way to go and although he gets better each time, it still needs work.

I'm still in limbo over what will happen to me, long term. Life is so full of uncertainty at the moment, I think I'm just going to focus on my health, my horses and of course, Hannah.

OK back later.

Dating

Oh god now is that not the most terrifiying thing ever? Dating oh how I hate it...fills me with dread and horror.

You know I would just like to meet someone who inspires me. The type of person that the first time you see them the world just stops for that instant, you can't speak and you forget everything. I met someone like that once, someone who had that effect on me. I lost them.

I wonder if there is someone out there that can make me feel that way again? Someone I can tell anything to, no mater how embarrassing or intimate. Someone that I can love emotionally and physically. You see you have to love with your heart and your head, not one or the other. It has to be both, anything less is doomed to failure. Funny thing is, that you can't go hunting for love, it does not work that way, it finds you and usually in an unexpected place...

I am not so good at trusting people, I find it hard to let people in. I'm shy really...not as extrovert as some may think.

Oh well...enough of my waffling...time for bed I think..

Photo Time

Right I am going to try and add a few photo's on here to liven it up a bit. Told you I was new to blogging.. So just kind of hang with me here whilst I do this ok?

Ok well this is me, smiling for once!! Apparently I do the 'smiling' thing alot more these days (probably got something to do with the fact that I have a little more confidence these days). Also something to do with an unfortunate accident involving my front teeth (long story and I am sure you won't want to hear it!) ha ha.

Ok well this is my car parking space!

See I told you I was not much good at this. but we will finish with a couple of Lyrics that kind of some things up for me at the moment so...

'Smile, though you're heart is aching, Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile , through your fears and sorrow, Smile and maybe tomorrow you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just Smile'

'In my darkest hour, in my deepest dispair, will you still care, will you be there?'

Right ok I'll put some more on later...season finale of 'The Mentalist' tonight and I love that programme....Now why can't I meet someone like that? he seem's like a nice guy.