OK I know I am trying to keep my health etc off this but, I do actually have a problem and as there is no other way for me to vent this, it goes here. If you don't want too much information then check out now.
Truth is, I'm worried. Now I know I have been telling myself that this is no big issue and that I can deal with it but, you know there are a couple of bits I need to get off my chest, so to speak.
What if I do feel like I'm not a woman anymore? I mean if they take everything out then what is left? What is there to make me a woman? OK two lumpy bits on the front will help but, will men have an issue with this? Will they think that I am less of a woman? Will that make me unattractive to them? I mean I want to think that I'll be the same and that I will still have that certain 'sparkle' but, what if I don't? I am shy enough at the best of times and yes, I do lack confidence on occasion but, if the bit that makes me 'sparkle' goes then what happens then? So you're all going 'What Sparkle? what is she on about?' Well a male friend told me that I have a certain 'sparkle' about me, now obviously I don't understand this but, he says men do! So OK if men can detect this 'sparkle' what if it disappears? I don't want to wind up alone with just my Greyhound for company!
I like being with someone, you know all that 'sharing stuff' I like that part of it. You know the bit where you make decisions together, like buying a sofa! You know I always wanted to do that, pick out a sofa, find one we both like by testing them all etc. I have never done that, I bet its fun. Which gets down to my pet hate...arm chairs....not exactly inspiring for a relationship where one likes to snuggle up to ones partner whilst watching a film or reading a book are they? I have an arm chair ban! I don't mind a really big one like a recliner but not those pathetic things. Oh and sharing the chores and helping each other. Supporting each other in activities, you don't have to have the same hobby, in fact it's healthy not to but, you need to know that your partner is proud of what you do. OK so not everyone likes big stinky horses but, If I come home at the end of the day with a beaming smile because something went fab, I like to know that the person I tell is actually pleased with me. It works the other way too, I like to think of myself as dead supportive, I mean I don't care what the hobby/sport/pastime is I'll be right there giving all the necessary support required, in whatever form it takes.
I'm wandering off the topic...or am I? Is that whats really bothering me? I like a partner I can play with...hmmm...by 'play' I mean mess about with, like play jokes on each other and play fight etc. I'm a huge fan of sticking Ice Cubes down backs cause that ends in a play fight which usually ends up as something else! I love to laugh and smile and I do it a lot. I'm a physical person and a bit 'touchy feely', I show affection in public and I don't care who is watching, I like to hold hands...OK so I'm 41 but, I like it...I'm not going to stop because I'm 41. I'm young at heart and I love fun and games.
I'm worried about sex! What if it's different? I mean I am not going to know until I try it but, what if..... You see my biggest problem is trusting a partner, not the general day to day trust but, the whole sexual aspect. You see I'm ashamed of the way I look and once I get past that with someone I'm OK but, initially I am timid and shy I'm fine once that trust is there. I'm very loving and loyal, I guess it stems from that kitty cat lion background! I don't like sex cheapened, it's a very personal thing. I like kisses, I like them a lot, they make you feel loved.
I don't like being shouted at in fact I hate it, nor do I like being sworn at. If I ever do something wrong I much prefer it if someone talks to me about it and how to resolve it. Confrontation makes me feel intimidated and small. I don't like crying, I have done to much of it. Men should not be afraid to cry, they are and they should not be, it does not make them weak.
So I guess I just want to know if I will still be seen as a woman and if I'll still be the type of partner someone would want and love? I guess it remains to be seen.....You know I'm not sure where I went with this blog but I feel a little better now even if I can't answer my own questions.
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Fe ..first off I think you should discuss this with a professional...its OK..really find a good therapist...I am not afraid to say they are worth their weight in gold. I am only guessing because this post did take some turns that you are considering a hysterectomy for medical reasons and are worried that somehow this will make you less of a woman or that you will lose some part of you that makes you more of a woman? If I am way off base let me know. I am really doing an interpretive dance here. However, if I am right let me say right off the bat I know quite a few women in your shoes who live very healthy lives, in very healthy relationships with very healthy sex lives. it changes nothing that has to do with who you are as a women. You see the biggest sex organ in the body is not between either of our legs...its between our ears! Its all about attitude and how we feel about ourselves. If you want to appear attractive to others then you first need to find yourself attractive ..right? ( I mean I could use this advice myself). Trust me sparkle is great , but a woman who is confident, sure of herself, knows what she wants, doesn't settle for less...well there is NOTHING sexier than that to a guy. Just keep being yourself and everything else will find its path to your door.
ReplyDeleteOh bless your heart..AGAIN...
ReplyDeleteI think I was having a momentery lapse of reason. Sort of last minute jitters. I am not considering, I actually get admitted on Sunday night. You're right and I had already realised that you love with your heart and mind and not your womb!
I think I needed to vent I did and I felt a little better for it, I think the other part of this is that fact that I have had to do all this alone, in respect to making decisions etc.
So you're completely on the right track and once again Thank You :-) x